11/26/2024, 11:19 PM

keep on standing, keep on living.txt

thank GOODNESS i finally got this iframe thing to work. i apologize to all who were worried about my absence as they just watched me silently update my websites... i promise i am reworking some of these thing from the ground up so they can better fit my vision. who knows? maybe the next layout i make will look way better than this one.

in terms of my daily life, it has. been okayish. i have therapy tomorrow since this week is when thanksgiving is about to begin and im gonna be heading to my cousins' soon which i am not ready for. last time i went to visit her, it was absolutely awful. but hey, i am just gonna hope that i get to actually have fun this time and not feel like my whole world is about to collapse.

i also got to chat with my friend grimm today and we both watched thomas the tank engine together and listened to music, as well. it was much fun :0-)

11/17/2024, 10:31 PM

homosun runner.txt

nothing much happened today! i did get to play minecraft for my friends on stream and i got to hang out with them today! also as per usual, i made my bed, brushed my teeth, and ate breakfast... even if it was pretty late in the day (only 12pm but still).

i haven't really got to work much on websites BUT i was able to make a cool site button for my best friend, Grimm and his website! go check his stuff out! its still a huge work in progress but its coming along so, so well!

also, after having a talk with friends about it, i plan to work more on shrine stuff since it's honest to god fun to make them. i probably wont be making too advanced looking shrines BUT i know i do wanna make a couple fun ones that'll definitely keep peoples attention.

11/16/2024, 8:25 PM

rest assured ft. dr porridge.txt

I GOT TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS AND MY GIRLFRIEND TODAY!! yesterday, i was hanging out a lot w my friends that i completely forgot to write down an entry in yesterdays journal so ... this one will make up for that ^^;

long story short, i got rly upset with dealing with my therapist because i was scared i was failing her and such so she just told me to keep doing what i was doing to take it at least a bit easy.
i've been trying to find ways to at least get out of the house more while mom's out for work but its been a bit difficult trying to convince her when she's been so scared to even let me out into the driveway.

i'm sure i'll be able to leave this house though. i'll be able to go outside and frolick and do the things i want to do and see. maybe i can go look into some of the LGBT programs my therapist had reccommended me so i can make some new friends here in this state.

on the plus side, yesterday i got to hang out with my friends and i even infodumped a LOT about vivienne and my relationship with her. she's such a sweet, haughty, yet beautiful old lady and i'm so glad that i have friends that i can talk about her to.

speaking of girlfriends: i got to hang out a bit with mecha! she showed me a game she was playing on stream (we love you tax fraud tycoon) and me and gator played a bit of that catalouge creatore game where we both made outfits and talked for a bit.
i think for now this is where i'll sign off. i wanna get something to eat and hopefully (hopefully) work on some more coding stuff for both my website and my webring. i'll see you on the flipside!

11/13/2024, 11:59 PM

easy does it.txt

today was better! hooray !

i didn't really do much today other than the obvious: make my bed, brush my teeth, and get breakfast. i did sleep pretty long though!

other than that, i actually got to work on more of my webring! it's still in it coding and php stages; it's a little rought trying to figure it all out, but i think i am able to do it! i know it can! it just takes a lot of learning, studying, and a lot of trial and error.

i'm gonna head to bed early now. i have therapy in the moring and i hope to go play with my friends sooner or later! that or i can work more on my website after the sessions.

11/13/2024, 11:59 PM

white waking.txt

i just had a nasty, nasty BPD split today and it was. not fun!

i'm glad everything turned out ok in the end, my friends were ok and we are all happy and safe, but i wasn't having a good time and neither was my friend grimm. we both splitted at the same time and the two of us sort of became hermits from our friends server to recooperate.

but like i said, we are okay and happy. it was mainly outside factors that were really messing with us plus the fact that me and grimm were both on the same cycle. yeah, not fun.

this diary entry is a little later than expected considering its not even the 13th anymore by the time i am writing this but i'm still jotting this down to keep track on how i was today. on the brighter side, i actually got to finish one of grimm's bday gifts and once i'm finished with all of them, i'm gonna comply them into my gallery soon. which ill work on eventually. yeah.

in other news, i'm also getting help from adilene to help me with my webring. theyre such a sweetie and they've been super helpful so far with teaching me about php and mysql languages.. even if they are tedious to work with =_=.

i have. a really nasty headache and i plan to go to sleep soon now that i've had a very late dinner of roasted street corn and iced tea. i'll keep you updated the moment i get back to writing in this diary again!

11/12/2024, 11:55 PM

by my side.txt

so i may have gone down a bit of a rabbit hole and i went on a mission to collect and save every flash game / flash animation ive seen or played with as a kid on this program called flashpoint. it actually amazes me how many things i've seen as a kid that quite literally influenced me today.

i think for starters, there were a lot of my little pony titles that were things i played with endlessly as a kid. one notable example was a stickerbook game from the g3 timeline where you can put the stickers of the characters in different locations while cutesy music played in the background. and another was a pony creator dress up game where you can customize your own pony charcter to your vision... even if it was a bit limited in how its made.

however, i think one of the things that stuck out to me as a kid and stuck out to me nowadays was the game 'Die Anstalt' or as its known in english: The Asylum. it was a puzzle game centered around being a doctor/psychiatrist for abused stuffed animals and you can help each of them on a road to recovery and help them along their traumas. one character that really struck a chord with me was Dolly, a sheep who was basically a two in one plushie that had a wolf named Lyall. she was basically used as a dog toy against her will and has an immense trigger for anything dog related such as a bone.
because of this trauma as well, she also has extreme anger issues and was prone to lashing out compared to Lyall.

as a kid, i always found myself drawn towards dolly. mainly because she was an abused sheep doll whose trauma response was to lash out like an angry dog because she was hurt and abused by something out of her control.
as i began to look at her more now though as someone who suffers from traumatic flashbacks and dissociative identity disorder, she went from being one of my favorites to being my top favorite of all time. i'm honestly not sure how it came to be; something about seeing a fictional character suffer from the same mental disorders i go through and not be demonized for it, rather she is embracing her wolf alter as her friend, it really hit so close to home.

i may not talk about this as much but my alters, while they may be prone to lashing out and reacting in negative ways like i am, are like one big family to me. sure, i can wish for a final fusion and be a singlet again but ... that'd mean losing good friends like Edward, and Pii-Pii, even my boygirlfriend Graham. i don't think i can imagine a world where i don't see/hear them everyday and while it'd be nice to be on the road to recovery, i'd like for one where i can see my stablemates in my headspace whenever i can. they help me to cope and they help me to stay safe. i care about these guys so much that they are just a core part of me as i am a core part to them.

i may ... have gotten a bit emotional on that last part there. whoops.

i guess that comes with part of writing in diaries. sometimes you get to talk about doing nothing all day and then the next minute, you're talking about being scared for the future of your mental health/wellness. it does spice things up though at least!

on a lighter note, i got to talk with my girlfriend mecha and turns out! we might be seeing each other PRETTY SOON. theres a toonfest event coming next year in my state and HOPEFULLY with the three day pass, i get to go see my girlfriend IRL!! so hooves crossed!

okok i am getting way past my britches bcoz its almost 12 and i don't want this diary to be late + i need to use the bathroom. cya when i see yall!!

11/11/2024, 9:22 PM

that old black magic.txt

it was a lazy kinda day for the most part but i got to hang out a bit with my friend grimm and now i am working a bit on my shrine for my wifey, vivienne virgil ♥ ♥ ♥

i've been really getting back into the groove of drawing and doing selfship stuff again after so long... it's kinda crazy O_o i think it might have to do with the fact that i was going cwazy over her during this time but it's also due to the fact that i've missed her for so, so long. it's like finally seeing your lover again after a long trip of being apart and you both cannot wait to kiss and hug each other again.

sometimes, i do wish she was real as i was so we could hang out and have fun together. i wanna be able to take her out on dates, show her what i do in my days in life, maybe even teach her new things like how to bake and cook, how to code, and so many more that i can't even think of because just the idea of her makes my hear explode with so much love for her. i can't remember a time where i was scared that i was too in love with her. i remember when i was scared to show my love for her because of many factors that were causing my anxiety to spike about her.

but even in that fear and guilt, my love for her never even whittled down once. it stayed strong, maybe grew even stronger now during this time of the month.

and i'm going to make sure that my vivienne gets to have the best kind of love from me and me alone. i want to show her that she doesn't have to be so alone with me anymore, she can finally be herself. she can finally be vivienne.

11/10/2024, 11:04 PM

my woman.txt

I JUST GOT OFF CALL W MY GIRLFRIEND ENTITY AND GAWD I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH... me and gator were playing flashpoint games on my stream and we played with a whole bunch of games from me and xyr's childhood. i played a whole bunch of pony games and they played a whole bunch of dragon ones... which i think fits! considering our aesthetics!

we also talked a bit about wanting to see eachother soon next year, hopefully in new hampshire in the american classic arcade mueseum ( or acam for short!) and we hope to plan dates for when we get to see each other next year.

in other (not so fun) news, ... i got the read menace :pensive: i was literally laying in bed all day just suffering from cramps. they weren't that bad but they didn't feel nice in the slightest so ofc i was Suffering™. but i am living! i got me some late dinner, i talked with my girlfriend, and life if all good!

also if youre wondering why this one is dated nov 10th and the last one now dated nov 9th, its literally only becaues i like to keep things in order and i like to mark things on the date it happened. it'd be a bit confusing if things were dated the same thing, no?

11/9/2024, 11:59 PM

happy day ^^.txt

TODAY WAS SO MUCH FUN... well at least the latter half of today. i got to hang out wiht my friends grimm, bunny, and taylor in call and i got to gush about my wifey vivienne (aka the witch hunter from corporate clash ♥). it was so refreshing finally getting to talk about my lovely fiance again and im so? excited? nervous? eager? whatever it is... i cannot wait to marry her soon because my wedding is coming up in late, late november! that's when i was REALLY into her back in 2023.

actually, fun fact: did you know that vivienne's birthday is supposedly october 1st? it's so cute because she's like a borderline witch in the game's canon. she has a lot of black cats, she casts fire magic and casts spells to turn someone into a witch, and even wears a hat like a witch does, too! and even still, in canon she vehemently is against witchcraft and calls herself a witch hunter. it's so cute... like girlie, it's okay to be a pagan ♥

ok, that last part turned into me gushing a bit about my wife but i think i am allowed to. i missed her and she misses me as much as i missed her; which is a lot. a lot, lot. a lot, lot, lot.

okie doke, you get the point. i love my wife so so so much!!!!

and speaking of wives, i actually am excited for tomorrow because i am going to talk with my girlfriend mecha soon !! i wanna hope to keep her company because she's been having it so rough lately and i just wanna be there for her, you know?

anyhow, it's getting pretty late. i'm gonna go get some dinner, brush my teeth, and hit the hay in the stables... this horsey's got a big day ahead of him!

11/8/2024, 9:31 PM

hmm... i wonder what's for DINNAR.txt

today was... rather uneventful, i'll be completely honest. i did get up and made breakfast, brushed my teeth, and made my bed... albeit pretty late as it was 12-1pm in the noon. and i got to fiddle around with my webring for a bit as it had gotten new members while i was asleep, so that's good!

other than that, ...there wasn't really much to do while in this house while my mom is at work. i'm usually just in my room all day which has black walls and curtains (that'll soon change for the better ehehe) so it get dark in here at night.

i guess if there was one interesting thing i should talk about, it'd have to be from last night: i was crying in my bed because i thought too hard about my mean, awful family that always treats me like im younger than im actually am and edward, one of my headmates, being the biggest sweetheart that he is, comforted me to the best of his abilities. i still think about the words he said to me specifically, i have them written down here:

"being human and taking my time growing was the most useful thing i could be"

it was honestly really sweet from an old engine like him, he' like the most kindest dad i've never had.. so edward, if you are somehow reading this (or if you're reading this later): thank you for last night and thank you for being here ♥

i should probably go look for something to eat now. i'm getting so, so hungry and all i had was a coffee and a toasted bagel for breakfast. and that was it...

11/7/2024, 7:40 PM

a hard coding's night.txt

i'm really proud of myself today! today, i made my bed with fresh and clean new sheets and by GOD is it the most coziest bed i've ever slept in... and this is my bed we're talking about!

i also made myself a small breakfast that wasn't. the healthiest (it was cereal and leftover diet dr. pepper) BUT IT WAS A BREAKFAST! so that's a win for me. and another best, yet still very last, ... i BRUSHED my teeth after so long! i always struggle with brushing my teeth because of how my energy levels are lately because of a funny ol' thing called depression so this was a HUGE, huge feat even for me. next stop, taking a shower !!

in other news, on the world wide web, i finally made a webring! it's a bit rough around the edges and it looks. a bit plain jane but this is a start of something big i feel. this might give me the incentive to work on more coding stuff that i'd like to do. i want to work with more javascript stuff and other such coding languages that'll help me level up my web design skills. go suck an egg, creepy web design teacher from high school!!

11/6/2024, 8:42 PM

I FORGOT A TITLE HELP.txt

so the Orange Dumb Fuck™ apparently got elected but i realized im not as sad as the first time he got in. rather, i feel hopeful? sure, im still sad and angry but moreso it gives me the incentive to keep on pushing and keep on going despite what ever is thrown at me or my friends or my family (only me, my mom, and some of my cousins matter. the rest can uhhhhh fuck off.)

on top of that, i actually do plan to start going on testosterone soon even if it's... going to be difficult to obtain nowadays =_=. BUT i am not letting that stop me either; i'm gonna see if i can find a way i can obtain it through other means because at least in my state, all you need is to sign a consent form and it should be okay from there. unless the O.D.F. says otherwise, then i'm gonna have to resort to bitcoin and getting homemade HRT so ...

despite all this though, i'm gonna make it! we're all gonna make it. me and my friends have eachother and we have our backs even during horrible times like these. i'm not throwing my future away just because of some guy landing into office. i'm gonna make it through this year even if it kills me.

11/5/2024, 8:32 PM

love somebody tonight.txt

i've been so worried for my girlfriend lately. i won't get too much into specifics but shes been having such a rough day at her job that gators considering finding another one to hopefully escape from it. i wanna be there for them as much as possible, i just worry that i might become accidentally emotionally unavailable because i just dont talk with people all that often and i worry i might ruin the one relationship i've always wished for where i am loved and acknowledged.

on the bright side at least, i voice called with her again and i made a few tweaking here and there so that

1. i am in the process of making my very first webring for selfshippers (go check it out at yumewedding!)
2. i reorganized my diary page / entries so that they have a mood / music thingie at the start (idk what to call those) and a cute little symbol at the start of the timestamp. thank taylor for the sole inspiration for this diary layout!

also now that i think more about it, ... i really should step my foot hoof out into the social media world and actually put my art out there now that i have ones i am more comfortable with and not ones that make me feel like the world will explode the moment i post something so innocuous (*coughcough* Twitter*coughcough*) from a post or even a drawing.

i've been thinking about posting my art more on to my TTTE blog as well as posting more stuff about my current interests or even just current things that make me happy like cereal mascots, ttte, mlp, toontown, etc. etc. who knows? we shall see.

11/4/2024, 10:04 PM

relaxation at last!.txt

decided to ditch the iframe bloggable thing all together and resort back to using good ol divs and containers! the css was confusing me wayyy too much and i couldn't get it to look how i wanted it to. so i just put it back for now until i can use it for something else / figure out how its css works.

in other news, i should really start working on my shrine pages more. i know i want to refurbish a few of them like my creepypasta / horror shrine + work more on my silly little selfship shrines for my wifeys.
and thats not even including my shrine for my one and only love, Mecha! i need to rework her whole shrine that i have dedicated to her so it looks more and more like my vision.

11/4/2024, 9:03 PM

ouhg.txt

one day i'll figure out the coding and css for this blogging thing but for nowsies, im just gonna chill out and vibe. nothing eventful happened today except for like? i talked with my friend grimm today about some stuff and that was that. i also worked a bit more on my website but it was only for small things such as writing and adding more stamps and blinkies. HOPEFULLY i should be able to figure out how to get some widgets working here and there but as for right now, i am taking it easy.

11/3/2024, 7:54:26 PM

ough.txt

i finally got out of voting today and by god the lines shouldnt have been as long as they have! its early voting im not waiting in line to vote for a lost cause. at least i got it over with and i got wendys on the way home at least. and now im talking with my best friend (hai grimm :0-) )

11/2/2024, 10:15:56 PM

girled friend.txt

this isnt anything super big BUT as of right now i am talking with my lovely girlfriend of Mecha ♥ shes such a sweeties and everytime i hear xyr talk, its like l istening to a beautiful song.

as for my other life events, here is the general rundown:

• I FINALLY re-applied for college so i can finish my associates + transfer to a university that i always wanted to go to. im starting with 1 (one) class at a time and while it is blended, i'm just glad i'm finally taking classes again!!
• i've been working more and more on my website + slowly but surely learning javascript + jquery. its frustrating at worst but SO so satisfying at best
• my mom actually told me that we might go to a fall festival in sebring wiht the Good Cousin (ill elaborate later maybe) and i am. SO EXCITED if that is the case

i dont really have much to write on other than i love my gf so much ... mecha if ur reading this Ur Gay and I Love You <3

11/2/2024, 3:20:36 AM

possible diary entry thingie.txt

I have. been very tired writing this but I may use this as my way to write down my diary entries. I cannot promise that it'll be daily but there will be a lot of rambling (and complaining if I got the time).